its 2234h, at least on my computer clock. lets see. to essentially summarize everything that is going to be written here, this is the last post you will have to read on this blog, because after this i intend to leave this alone for a really long time. its not a sabbatical, its abandonment. and well for kicks i decided to put a title.
in memoriam.
i think in the past week, i've grown up more emotionally than I have in the past 16 years. and today really settled it all.
its never easy when someone cries. never. and over the past few days, i've witnessed so many people cry. its so easy to really ignore weaknesses in others, to look simply at the facade put up, but its another thing when you see people so close break down. and it happened today. and it was gut wrenching. watching that happen. knowing what must be going through that person's mind, and standing there, trying to help, and the knowledge that nothing is going to work hurts.
a facade is what we put up everyday, to face the world the moment we wake up. i do put one up, i do admit. and more than once, it has faltered. thank you for supporting me though. that email really did help a lot. yeah, it crumbled for me, and what made it crumble was essentially, honesty. being honest to myself. to other people. it hurt too much, but i am happy that it happened. because i honestly believe that we grow from things like this. we cry, we break down, but we build each other back up again. thank you for letting me know again that its alright to be human.
i dont want to think what might have happened if you had started crying when no one was there. no matter how alone we may want to be at moments like these, i know that deep down, i want someone to be there to pull me back up from that abyss of despair. thank you for calling me that night, just as things were going from bad to worse, to tell me that you were there. it meant so much to me. and so it remains, being alone doesnt cut it, it never did.
and after we cry, we learn, we reflect, and we move on. that is the only logical direction. we can stay where we are, but that would not solve anything. we would stagnate, we would rot. and at the end of it all, emerge as hollow shells, barely recognizable from the person we once knew and loved. and some never do recover, they never do manage to pull themselves out of that. and when you see people waste away like that, it hurts.
you need to courage, the grit, to come to terms with it all, to push past the pain, the heartbreak, the truth, to stand up and move on. its not always easy to find, but its there, somewhere inside yourself, and you have to use it. and more often than not it hurts even more. but sunny days ahead yeah :D
if you want things to be alright, work on it. make it happen. and i believe things will get better. they have to. and im going to forge my own chances, to make things happen like that. because if its worth enough, you will save it. you will make it last. because you're worth it.
and focus. thats very important. take your mind off all the pain, and get some focus. thank you for showing me the focus after helping me get over that pain. and i promise you, i will accomplish it all. it is not an obligation to the school nor to anyone else, but a personal promise, and i will keep it.
and when i see you so sad, so downbeat, it hurts, because i want to help. because i know what it feels like, whether you believe me or not. this silence...sucks. talk, and i will listen. talk, and i will not judge. talk, and i will be there for you. thats the way things work. simple.
relationships, no matter how new or old, are built on something. they are built to last. or else i wouldnt have bothered on the effort, the sweat, and the tears.
and well it is in part this emotional awakening or realisation or whatever-you-so-deem-it-to-be that made up my mind for me. i have to stop blogging.
it wasnt an easy decision. but that discussion we had today in the project room when we were supposed to be at RE made me realise this. its too fake to speak from this small box here on blogger. its too fake to be putting up a facade online as well. i cant stand how fake this can get. there are so many things i want to say, have to say, but i cant say. because of you. because you read this blog, and i dont know who exactly you are. there are restrictions imposed on me, just that no one told me. but i know they're there. and they're increasingly hard to work with.
who am i? what kind of a person am i in real life? i'm a lot more crude, unrefined, funny, dastardly, opinionated, frank, sarcastic, friendly, keen, personable, honest...in real life, or to some extent MSN. but here, i'm suffocating, really. to keep things in check.
and as i said before, its not worth it to be fake here. that defeats the whole purpose of blogging. i believe you blog to sort out your emotions, to be true to yourself, to be true to others. and as long as you are restricted, you cant do that. you cant possibly do that. so i'd rather not do anything at all.
so forget it. if its your first time here, you're a bit too late. if you read this regularly, thank you for coming, but we're closing now. and well i dont know if its ever going to open again.
there are so many lovely memories here. i spent some time reading some older posts, and i see myself, typing away the earliest book reviews to my periods of intensive self thought last year. the whole process has been chronicled here. and im grateful that i've had the chance to be as honest as i could have been here.
but i have to move on. this is no longer the sanctuary i wanted for my thoughts. i have got to move on, if i want to be honest. to you. to myself.
make the choice that you know is right and dont regret it.
above all, i hope that is a fitting epitaph for this. it meant so much to me to be able to be here to talk, and it still does. but i'm just a phonecall or a msn window away.
Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same I've been thinkin maybe I've been partly cloudy, maybe I'm the chance of rain Maybe I'm overcast, and maybe all my lucks washed down the drain
I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely
But when I look at the stars, when I look at the stars, when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars, I feel like myself
adieu.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids 2. Taj Mahal 3. Grand Canyon 4. Panama Canal 5. EmpireStateBuilding 6. St. Peter's Basilica 7. China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell ! us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated,
then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:
1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love. "
The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
because cutting and pasting is so much faster. see you guys soon!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
as much as i'd hate to say it,
i'm going on sabbatical. see you when i see you.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
things i have learned today, through a long process of trial and error, or simply the empirical method of observation...
singaporeans are horrendous theatre goers (whats so funny about macbeth's head?) emo is once again vogue. i can pull off a naughty poem on stage. its possible to lie on a carpet and NOT fall asleep. its fun to watch a movie that uses, extensively, cheesebuns. same movie can be complete contrived crud after twenty seconds.
among others, anyway it was fun.
to sleep, perchance to dream-
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
when everything is going wrong and things are just a little strange it's been so long now you've forgotten how to smile and over head the skys are clear but it still seems to rain on you and your only friends all have better things to do
when you're down and lost and you need a helping hand when you're down and lost along the way oh just tell yourself ahh, I'll be okay
now things are only getting worse and you need someone to take the blame when the love has gone there's no one to share the pain been sleepin with the tv on and lying in an empty bed all the alcohol in the world would never help me to forget
when you're down and lost and you need a helping hand when you're down and lost along the way just try a little harder, try your best to make it through the day oh just tell yourself, ahh, I'll be okay
you're not alone you're not alone you're not alone
just tell yourself... ahh, I'll be okay
oh just tell yourself ahh, I'll be okay
won't you tell yourself ahh, ahh
when you're down and lost and you need a helping hand when you're down and lost along the way try a little harder try your best to make it through the day oh just tell yourself, ahh, I'll be okay
ahh, I'll be okay ahh, I'll be okay ahh, I'll be okay
i think i have about two thoughts right now. and i'd rather not string them coherently. i like it this way.
first, i love history RA.
second, history DOES repeat itself. so why am i still surprised?
peekaboo.
Monday, April 21, 2008
letsee. do i really want to keep this thing alive?
yeah i do.
can i keep it alive?
i dont know. expect more long breaks in between.
just that over the weekend i had a lot of fun, i fell asleep in the chem labs today, and emceeing for s24 is going to be...interesting.
